Almost.

I almost died. I almost had a family. I almost found my person. I was almost enough.

 My name is Kira and throughout the course of my life, I’ve been plagued by almost having it all.

 I grew up in a household where my emotional needs were not met. I was misunderstood. I constantly felt almost loved, almost understood, and almost enough. I was 7 or 8 when I started to spiral down. It wasn’t until my 15th birthday that I’d drown.

 I’ll never forget the night that I tried to kill myself. It was close to midnight on a school night. I thought it to be perfect. Everyone was tired from the day and nobody would find me till morning. You know, I don’t think anyone truly understands what suicide means until you’re in it. For at least a year, I got on my knees and begged God to take my life so that I wouldn’t have to do it.

 I’ll never forget rummaging through the medicine drawer in my kitchen island. I grabbed as many pills that my hands would allow and proceeded to swallow them with tears falling from my eyes. I wanted so badly to die.

 As morbid as it sounds, overdose is not as simple as it sounds. You don’t always die in your sleep. In fact, the human body was designed to protect itself. It can and will fight to stay alive.

 The days that followed were excruciatingly painful. I laid there for three days, waiting for my organs to shut down one by one. I almost regretted what I had done.

 Though, my body would not allow me to die. I was almost there. I almost died.

 Six years later, I met my daughter’s father. Our relationship damn near destroyed me. I barely made it out alive. Till this day, I cannot talk about its entirety without wanting to cry.

 At 20 years old, I considered a second suicide attempt. It was one of the lowest points of my life. I remember thinking of reasons to live and I couldn’t even think of one. That’s when I found out that I was pregnant with Claire. If it wasn’t for her, my life would’ve been done.

 After carrying her alone for 9 months, her Dad and I decided to try. I wanted to give her a family. I fought for that with all my might.

 A year later, he left. I did not understand. Why would God almost give me a family? It was within reach, but my hands just could not grasp it. I wanted it so badly. I almost had it.

 Honestly, you’d think that after all I’ve been through, I would somehow catch a break. Though, the years that followed between then and now, have been nothing less than mentally taxing. I feel whatever strength I have left dwindling.

 Five months ago, my nephew overdosed and attempted to take his life. For the first time, I learned what it was like to be on the other side.

 I almost lost him. I almost buried him. I thank God every day for that ‘almost’ though. Losing him would have been the end for me as far as I know.

 I parked outside the ICU for 14 days and prayed. At my breaking point, God had a plan that only now I can comprehend.

 That’s when he brought me my very own Ray of Sunshine. I didn’t know that I needed him at that point in time. He was the most beautiful distraction.

 His smile. He has one of those sunshine smiles. You know, the kind of smile that emits warmth? His smile is so good.

 His eyes. I’ll never forget his eyes. The moment mine laid on his, it was like his energy was welcoming me home. I’ve met him before. Perhaps in another life, another dimension. Somehow, in some way that defies physics, I’ve known him. Our souls know each other. I’m sure of it.

 My entire life, I’ve lived in survival mode. Waiting for one catastrophic event to collide with another. I’ve built walls as high as the stratosphere to protect myself and my fragile mental health. Yet in one hug, he penetrated that very fortress that I had built for 30 years.

 I fell. I fell for his hugs. He gives the best hugs.

 The irony of this all is that I almost had a chance. I almost met him- the person whom I thought I was saving myself for.

 You know, I feel like life is rigged in such a way that it works against you. By nature, we tend to believe that if we continuously pour into someone, shed our heart out, and offer them something that we believe to be of immeasurable value, then they will love us in return. The god honest truth is that that is not always the case.

 And while you cannot crucify someone for not choosing you, it hurts nonetheless to be backed into a corner to where you have no choice but to choose yourself.

 Last night, my heart was shredded to pieces and I had to choose me. He didn’t choose me. He did not choose me.

 I was so close. I almost had him. I was almost happy. I almost had a chance. Why couldn’t God give me a fighting chance?

 So, if you’re sitting here today and you’re tired- tired of choosing life, tired of choosing you- All I can say is me too.

 I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, but I just can’t seem to find it. Though until I do, I’ll continue talking it up. I encourage you to talk it up too. Who knows, maybe we will find our way out together. 

Submitted by Kira Mariana Cruz